I Never Knew the Fight Would Be This Hard

When I was first diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer I never knew the fight would be this long or this hard. Even after I was told the Cancer had metastasized to two other places in my body, and had begun to travel elsewhere I still never knew how much fight I would need to not be defeated, and I had no idea the pain would be this strong, the loss so great, or the fight so permeable into the rest of my existence. We all live in chapters, and this next chapter I am beginning is a scary one, and maybe the hardest part yet is finding where you fit in after treading water for such an extensive period of time.

I am waiting on results from a CT scan on a spot found on my Thyroid. Yesterday on my way to a job interview I heard on the radio that there is an increase in Thyroid Cancer in women as a result of all the radiation given to individuals through CT scans and X rays. I am sure you know where my head was after wrestling with that fun fact, and recalling all the radiation I've been given. After my interview my phone rang  while I was getting into my car. It was the chemo nurse telling me my white cell counts and hemo-something(jk) were really good. I asked about my Thyroid scan. She said there is definitely something there, but doesn't necessarily appear Cancerous. Her final thoughts on the matter was that my Oncologist would need to call me after reviewing the pictures.

After getting home I received word that although my job interview went well they would be requiring second interviews. Something I should probably rejoice in, but ultimately brings on an overwhelming since of defeat. You see, the Chinese proverb of "when you get knocked down seven times you stand up eight", is being fully realized in my quest to find where I fit in while I still have time on this Earth. My friend reminded me today that there are many who would give anything for the opportunity to continue to fight, and so for those without that opportunity, and for myself, that is exactly what I plan to do. It's hard to deal with the feelings that come when something feels right, but  continues to come up wrong, but I am repeatedly given the opportunity to relearn the lesson of letting Him be Enough in the experiences we face whether filled with light or darkness.

 I  continually remind myself that God is the one who gives me the strength to keep standing  even when I am persistently knocked down, and will prove He is the source of my fighting spirit as I face the chemo room for another round today.

Life as I See it Now

Enjoying the perks of life. Benjamin and I at the Phil Harmonics
on the 4th of July

To update all those who have followed this journey I am feeling much better these days. It is amazing what a little peach fuzz, eyebrows that aren't painted on, and more than three eyelashes can do for a girl. In addition, I have also thoroughly enjoyed this transition period where food actually sounds good and I can keep it down, so much so that I have gained twenty pounds since May. This does not bring me back to my original weight before Cancer, but definitely allows me to feel a little more attractive, and not so gaunt and sickly.

Items I handed out to patients
at the Cancer center that have helped me.

My Cancer counts are hanging between a one and two right now, and I will have blood draws to check my tumor indicators every week through April. I also continue to go to chemo once every three weeks. I have found with maintenance chemo that I don't get nearly as sick as I did when chemo was pumped directly into my abdomen, but I do experience some flu like symptoms for a couple days after each infusion, and arthritic pain on a daily basis. My next chemotherapy treatment is scheduled for Tuesday 7/30, and you can bet I will bring several goodie bags for other Cancer patients with me, which I do each time I go to the Cancer center.

It is nice to feel a little more whole again, but the battle is still not over.I still have adjustments I have to make and deal with everyday as a result of being diagnosed with Stage IV Ovarian Cancer, and the persistent concern of Cancer returning is something that continually tests my faith. Despite what may come in the future I know God loves both my husband and I, and as a friend said at dinner tonight "He can make something beautiful out of the biggest messes". I hope my journey is a testament of the rainbow that can shine even after a devastating storm.

Allison

I was forever changed on July 18th 2003, and it's hard to believe that it was ten years ago. My first day at Point Loma Nazarene University I met Allison Carley Dahm. A girl from Michigan and someone who I quickly learned loved God, loved life, knew how to have fun, and became one of my dearest friends.

 Looking back on my almost 30 years of life Allison’s friendship is one of the most treasured blessings I have been given. We enjoyed our freshmen and sophomore year as roommates  and relied on each other to get through those early years of being broke college kids.

Allison is always on my heart, but there has been an increase in my thoughts about her on this day. On 7/18/2003, Allison was on her way to pick our mutual friend Barbara from the airport in her hometown of Holland, MI. I was scheduled to fly out two days later on July 20^th for the three of us to spend a week discovering the sights around Michigan. However, instead of the memories of three college kids spending a week of summer together Barbara and I share the memory of attending Allison’s funeral after the car accident that occurred while Allison was on her way to pick Barbara up from the airport.  The aftermath was devastation and true realization that peace on this Earth can be shaken no matter how good life seems to be going.

Initially that devastation fueled my anger towards God, and justified acting out and living life for what pleased me moment by moment. Anger eventually turned into submission after realizing how fragile this life is and learning that God is there to personally and individually reach out to us even in the midst of some of our darkest times.

I have come to believe whole-heartedly that Allison left this world for Heaven, a place where I am confident she will greet me when my time on this Earth is over. A place where peace cannot be shaken, and  there will be no more goodbyes, no more tears, and no more pain or suffering. Heaven, a place where we can all reunite with the one's we love, and others who believed and followed Jesus during the short amount of time we are allotted to make a difference on this Earth. Allison made a difference in my life. On the ten year anniversary of her death I remember many wonderful things about her; I remember her smile, her sense of humor, her positive attitude, her love for her family and friends, her desire to use her talents for good and the betterment of others, but most importantly I remember the love she displayed for God and those around here no matter what day of the week it was! 

I will always dearly love my friend Allison and treasure the memories we made together, and  I cannot wait until the day when we can rejoice in  reward of Heaven together!

Deep Rooted

Faith is tough. It is one thing to believe in a God who created Earth and the people who are sustained by its' goodness, and another to keep your heart full of faith that assures your soul you are ushered through life both in good times and in bad by a creator who loves each of us. In fact He loves us so much that he sent His son to die on a cross for the sins of humanity, and has prepared a place better than the most exotic destinations of this world. For me I guess it's easy and entertaining to grapple with the creation piece of faith, but believing in a God who loves us, goodness, I for one see how easy it is for non believers to understand God's love with so much sadness and evil that seemingly often conquers good. 

I will be vulnerable and disclose that lately it has been hard for me to continually remember the love God has for me. I hate to admit it but I've been maintaining like a city without walls, freely letting darkness erode faith, hope, and love. Questions of dark origin filtrate through my mind, Cancer returning, loved ones becoming sick, not living up to the potential I can only wish to be, being a better wife, and worst of all, someday if I do pass how will those I love carry on, better off perhaps? 

Fears, worry, anxieties run deep. They pop up in our minds quicker then dandelions on a summer day, and root themselves in our heart at the depths of lifelines which sustain the strongest trees. Despite my mind and body not functioning how it did before Cancer luckily my heart reminds me that even in the darkest times I can whisper His name, "Jesus", and feel His presence, which gives me the ability to "conduct myself in a manner worthy of the Gospel of Christ" constantly remembering my reward both in this life and after for doing just that. 

For the prayer warriors I'm so lucky to have in my life please prayer as I plan to share some of my story at my dads church in Brookings, OR on 7/13/13, and for my body and mind to feel stronger. My next chemo is on 7/9, the day before I fly to Oregon. 
Still fighting Like A Girl,
Tarah

PS let us all live as cities with the tallest, strongest walls, and keep in mind that in God's world, good will always conquer evil. It's the fee will piece of life that we must fight to overcome.

Showing People Who Can

Before I started chemo, but geared up to Fight Like a Girl!
Funny to see myself with eyebrows and eyelashes.
(Photo cred. Neely Jacobson Photography)

Since everyone who reads this blog has not been with me since the beginning of this Cancer journey I feel it is important to recap the logistics of my diagnosis, so the news I have to report is all the more amazing. In November 2012 I had a surgery to remove a mass on my right ovary. During the surgery the doctor found the mass to be a lot more involved then anticipated, and when I awoke from a surgery that was intended only to remove a portion of my ovary I learned my Fallopian tubes, right ovary and 3/4 of my left ovary had been taken due to what the doctor had discovered was not just a mass but a Cancerous tumor. We were not given much time to process the information before our first meeting with my Oncologist on 11/30/2012. Even though our world came crashing a down a little  that day after being told "you can die from this" and given an explanation regarding the serious threat Ovarian Cancer poses to many vital organs, our faith told us everything was going to be alright despite many things that seemed very wrong. 

I was immediately scheduled for a surgery on 12/10/12, and afterwards we were informed how advanced the Cancer had become. During the procedure I had a complete hysterectomy as it was determined Cancer had spread from right ovary and "splattered" all over my uterus, remaining ovary, and surrounding area. In addition the Cancer had metastasized and formed into a significant sized mass near my bowels, and  Cancer cells were found floating in stomach fluid pulled during the surgery. As a result of the destructive metastization, I was diagnosed with Stage IV Ovarian Cancer, the highest on the widely accepted Cancer staging scale and therefore most despairing classification of one's Cancer.

While I was in the hospital recovering from a very invasive and extensive surgery a question was posed to me on the "Teal for Tarah" Facebook page set up by our church.  The question came from the mother of a child in my parent's church. As children do, she asked questions without a filter, which I am always happy to oblige no matter the age of the inquirer. Bottom line, she wanted to know why God had allowed me to get sick. I remember pondering over a response as I laid awake in my hospital bed dependent on others to assist me with basic human functioning and inconvenienced by many lines and tubes extended out from my body. Even after eighteen difficult rounds of chemo, the sacrifice of my ability to ever have biological children, and the trauma and difficulty induced by battling a life threatening disease I still believe the words in my response from that night. From my hospital bed I wrote "Tell her God did not make me sick, but will make me well again someday. Make sure she knows Cancer is not from God, but sometimes when Cancer appears God finds ways to use it. He uses it to draw the sick closer to Him, uses it to make people stronger for Him, and uses it show others how real He is". 

The battle has tested my faith and will to fight, and despite maintaining a close relationship with God it had me question IF He could or would heal me.  Prayer, letters, God's word, and personal words of encouragement have helped me maintain the faith. While writing this blog entry I am reminded of a letter alerting me to the faith held by many who don't know me, but still believe in Jesus's ability to heal me. A friend of my husband told me she had felt led to share my story with her congregation in Owasso, OK. Reportedly after sharing the story an elder of the church came to the pulpit and prayed for my healing with "boldness". In addition he shared the Bible story found in Mark where the father of a demon possessed boy asked Jesus, "IF you can heal my son?". Jesus replied, " IF I CAN?" and then the man asked Jesus to help him with his unbelief. 

Although this is not the end of my Cancer journey, and may not mean complete healing I received a letter in the mail affirming this Bible story shared on my behalf. My tumor indicators are done to a "1" a number which was at "140" even after the surgery which removed growing Cancer tumors. A 1-35 is in the normal category. A 1, for now, means healing, it means Jesus CAN, it means with the help of a heavenly father and many who have supported me I kept up the good fight, and showed Ovarian Cancer what it means to FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!

Life's a Mystery

I have had catscans to check for any signs of Cancer since completing my aggressive chemo regiment. Despite more phone calls then I can count I still do not have conclusive results, and I have left all the messages for the doctor that they will allow for now, and so I continue to wait.

Life is filled with mystery, and being the intelligent, sometimes considered  analytic, and compassionate creation we are as human beings we often seek to understand things that are not intended to be within our understanding. Since being diagnosed with an aggressive form of Ovarian Cancer I have resisted asking the question why, but lately the temptation to understand has been a lot more captivating. As doctor's bills begin to pour in and I am no longer regulated by such an intrusive chemo schedule I am left with a lot more questions then I had when I began this journey. Questions about if Cancer will ever return, what does God want me to do with the life I've been given, and will I continue to appreciate things as I longed to do while I was so sick and helpless. I don't feel like my faith has weakened, but maybe I could compare this transitional time with the darkness experienced with the recent Oklahoma tornadoes that has impacted many across the nation. There is so much destruction, so much doubt and sadness, but through it all there is light. There is light in those who have chosen to give, serve, and reach out to those affected and light experienced by the growth that happens in the midst of tragedy.

With the tornadoes, and for me my Cancer diagnosis, there are many questions and lots of why's that can only be directed by a God who is in control of it all. To quote something my husband said about his childhood following his father's death from Melanoma he stated, " I never lost faith that God was real, that He was alive, and that He cared about my family. I thought to myself many nights if God is not all that we as Christians believe Him to be we are in more trouble then we appear to be in, someone better be driving this train!"

The blessing in it all is that God is everything we believe Him to be. He is directing this train of life even when we are burdened with more questions and sorrow then we care to be bombarded with, and still when we feel so blessed we feel the need to shout it from every social media outlet we have access to.  My husband is the king of analogies, and one of my favorites he has shared with me is that life is like a football game. If you knew you were going to win every time there would be no motivation or intrigue to suit up and play. Sometimes the game will bring hurt and sadness, but other times it brings such joy you want to shout from the rooftops. Because life is a journey and mystery we are captivated by it, and I am thankful to be captivated by a God who is good to those who choose Him even when life feels a little too mysterious.

The Month of May

First I must ask your forgiveness for not posting an update sooner. I took some time after graduation and my last intense chemo to recuperate as I was rundown. I also felt like I didn’t have a lot to say about graduation, because  Cancer or no Cancer I knew I had to graduate. I endeavor to be relentless in pursuing what I set my mind to, which recently has included waging war against Ovarian Cancer.

                                         

Me on my last day of IP chemo with all
the goodie bags.

My last day of chemo came with fear and anxiousness, but still there was hope knowing for now it would be the last day I would have chemo pumped into my belly. I wanted to pass along the hope and joy I felt on that day with those who I would be sharing the chemo room with, so with the help of my peers at the OU School of Social Work a goodie bag, including many items I have found beneficial, was given to every patient receiving chemo that day. It was my hope that I could pass the goodie bags out myself, as I have come to enjoy, but I was in too much pain and overburdened with sickness. Even though I had anticipated chatting with other patients a caretaker stopped me on the way out and said "thank you, my mama needed some of those things", which is all I could have wanted to hear.

 

My hooding

I only had two days after my last chemo to recover for the graduation ceremony in recognition of obtaining my Masters in Social Work. It was amazing that I was able to feel well for the ceremony considering the two days of recuperation where met with a lot of sickness and difficulty. In a prayer said by my husband that day he expressed thankfulness for God's provision through this battle, and a heart of thankfulness helped take focus off the difficult circumstances around us.  

Benjamin holding me up at OU  while displaying
my grad cap proclaiming "Fall in Love and Accomplish
What you Never Thought Possible".

Surprise looking out
at all the people standing
and cheering.

May 11^th , 2013 was very different than the graduation I had been anticipating for almost three years, certainly  I had envisioned that day without Cancer, but still it could not have been more perfect. I was blessed by friends and faculty who chose to wear Teal for Tarah and support Ovarian Cancer Awareness, and I will always remember how I unexpectedly felt the urge to hold up my graduation cap when walking across stage revealing my bald head to the auditorium. Still the greatest feeling was the surprise in seeing everyone stand and cheer as I was hooded, and then again when the Social Work Association announced their sponsorship of the goodie bags. 

 I never could have expected to begin a ministry in the chemo ward after receiving an ominous diagnosis or graduating from grad school with a 4.0 two days after my last intense chemo, but I hope this journey shows how limited Cancer, or difficult circumstances, can be when you know Christ. Cancer cannot shatter hope or overcome  courage, and I do not have to fear because my God comes through always.

 

Me Rocking Teal for
Ovarian Cancer
Awareness on graduation day

I am continuing to Fight Like a Girl, and have begun maintenance chemo with only mild side effects. Overall I am feeling well, and working on readjusting back to reality a little bit. I have a couple cat scans coming up and will post an update on what’s next soon.